7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend’s Ex

Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend’s ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it’s wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they’d never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they’re just following the rules.

What I’ve noticed, though, is that every person I’ve heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities. If you’re gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend’s ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you’ve found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It’s difficult to meet people you’re romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, and outside of your city’s queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight. Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a 10-minute conversation almost always reveals that she went to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista.

Queers don’t tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I can count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three. In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding.

Whether you’re gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend’s ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines.

1. Don’t gossip. It’s common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might be much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of her personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush. (I’m going to use female pronouns for your friend, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.) Keep your friend’s secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn’t date him.

2. Don’t trash talk. It’s OK to come to your partner for advice if you’re arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the other. This can be extremely tempting if they ended on bad terms and you know you’ll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it’s crucial that you never seem even a little like you’re taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party.

3. Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn’t want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don’t pressure her. But don’t assume she doesn’t want an invite if you haven’t asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don’t push them to associate if they’re not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other. This goes for friends and partners who haven’t dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside time for each of them and honor it — don’t drag your lover along on girls’ night out (not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about this), and don’t invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home.

4. No comparisons. Don’t ask your man if you’re prettier/smarter/better at Scrabble than his last girlfriend. Don’t do this ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you’re going rock climbing with Sunday. No matter what his answer is, it’s going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. So don’t seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you’re not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in competition, except when you’re actually playing Scrabble.

5. Don’t be paranoid. Don’t try to keep your boyfriend and your bud from associating because you’re afraid they still have feelings for each other, and don’t constantly seek reassurance that that’s not the case. Trust that your dude is with you because he likes you and you’re awesome, not because he’s biding his time until your friend takes him back. Trust that your friend is happy you’ve found someone you dig, not plotting to sabotage your love. And don’t ever use jealousy or insecurity over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a legitimate reason to believe he’s untrustworthy, get out of there stat, but if there’s really nothing wrong, don’t create problems where none exist.

6. Don’t pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so that you can avoid making the same mistakes, but resist that urge. Likewise, don’t grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time they dated. Their relationship is between them; it’s not your cautionary tale or your soap opera. If they choose to share details with you, that’s fine — you don’t need to stick your fingers in your ears, unless an overt comparison is being made (see No. 4) — but don’t push. Your relationship and theirs are separate things, and you don’t need to know anything they don’t care to tell you.

7. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits. It’s easier, of course, to have hard-line rules — “exes are never OK” versus “exes are totally fine” — but that’s not the world we live in. If someone seriously mistreated your friend (we’re talking emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, lying, stealing, etc.), don’t date him, no matter how awesome his butt looks in jeans. This has nothing to do with some kind of Eternal Dibs situation, and everything to do with the fact that, by choosing to build a relationship with someone who treated her horribly, you’re telling your friend you don’t think what he did to her was all that bad. Just walk away. There are lots of people out there who are just as good in bed and haven’t traumatized anyone you care about. Set the precedent that people who are awful to your friends are people who don’t get to see you naked, and your life will be the better because of it.

How to Kiss a Girl or Woman and Be AMAZING

 

You know the old saying:

“Only fools rush in.”

Well, this goes for kissing as much as anything else (even for the spontaneous kiss… I’ll discuss how just below).

A rushed kiss is a bad kiss, plain and simple. Picture a guy in a movie who’s got to go save the world, who grabs a girl and kisses her really fast, then rushes off to go fight monsters or aliens or Nazis or zombies or whatever it is. Is that ever an incredible kiss?

No, it’s not. It’s a rushed kiss… and it’s nice, but it’s emotionless… and it sucks, as far as kisses go.

And that’s no way to kiss a girl.

kissing

Kissing a Woman

That in mind, let’s plunge into our bullets on being great at kissing women:

Build some anticipation. She really ought to be trembling by the time your lips touch hers. Lean in… get your mouth very, very close to hers… then stop, just for a split second. Let your breath touch her lips. If she leans forward and tries to kiss you, pull back a little bit so that your lips stay just out of range of hers. You can tease her this way for half a second, or for three seconds, or even longer if you’re a big tease.

Why’s this work? Because women are most attracted to experienced men (see the article on preselection) who know how to lead women.

Begin lightly. Most men plunge inelegantly into a kiss, diving into women’s lips and sometimes even into their mouths, tongue-first. This lack of control and of teasing is not good form, and it’s not a good kiss for a girl. It can even be sloppy, messy, and downright annoying.

Instead, begin by very lightly kissing her lips. You can think of this as “nibbling” on her lips. Kiss one of her lips at a time… don’t try and suck her entire mouth into yours as so many inexperienced kissers are wont to do. Lightly kiss her upper lip… then lightly kiss her lower lip.

At that point, she may be trying to suck your mouth in… but don’t let her.

Not yet.

Wait for her to be almost desperate to kiss you more passionately. You can’t always get this one… if you didn’t build up emotions properly, or if you’re doing a spontaneous manhandle kiss, for instance, she might not always have a strong desire to kiss you passionately – and some girls just aren’t passionate kissers, plain and simple. Some girls don’t even like kissing all that much. But with the ones who like it, and the ones who are excited and passionate, wait for them to reach a fevered pitch before you really dive in.

You’ll know you’ve reached that point when she begins kissing you faster and deeper, grabbing you with her hands, and moaning a bit. The moment that starts happening, she’s reached a threshold where she can no longer contain her desire for you… and it’s time for you to turn the dial up on the heat.

Now, dive in. Once she’s properly bursting at the seams – or, if she isn’t passionate or hasn’t been emotionally primed, then once you’ve spent about 2 or 3 seconds kissing her lightly – now you can open your mouth widely and really start making out. I know, you wanted to do it immediately on kissing her… but trust me, she’ll be blown away at how good a kisser you are by drawing it out just those extra couple of seconds and creating an experience for you.

How exactly do you “dive in?” You do it by kissing her with your mouth open very widely, opening and partially closing it as you kiss her open-mouth. This is easiest to do with your head tilted at an angle compared to hers – she should do this with you naturally.

You want to be passionate here. This is important. A passionate kiss is a great kiss, and if you’re not naturally a passionate person, it’s okay, you can learn. I’m naturally a very dispassionate person (except when I’m angry…), but I’ve had plenty of women tell me I’m very passionate because I trained myself up to be. At first it was a bit odd and forced for me, but these days I don’t even have to think, “Be passionate;” it’s all down pat and automatic at this point. You can make it that way too if you make yourself act passionately (essentially, doing things harder, deeper, and closer).

If you’re naturally passionate, of course, you get a mostly free pass here… but do ask yourself if it’s possible you could be more passionate.
Vary where and how you kiss her. Now that you’re free to kiss her open-mouth, you should just do that the whole time… right?
Wrong. That’s boring! No girl can stay excited by a guy who just keeps kissing her the same way for minutes on end!
Instead, you want to vary things up, between kissing her open-mouth, kissing her lips, and lightly biting her lips. When you kiss her lips, you won’t be doing the same light kissing as you did when you first started kissing her – now you want to kiss her lips deeply and passionately.
Mix up your kissing, kiss her different ways for different lengths of time (measured in seconds, not minutes) – don’t move too erratically from one kiss to the next, but don’t spend so long doing one kiss that the seasons start changing outside, either. You can also change the tilt of your head – this is a very passionate move. Your head might be tilted to your right, and hers to her right, and then you’ll tilt your head to your left and move her head to tilt to her left.

You can change your head tilt multiple times, within even 5 or 6 seconds of each – e.g., start light kissing… 3 seconds later, start passionate kissing… 5 seconds later, change the tilt of your head… 6 seconds later, change it again. After this, you’ll want to pause for a little while… don’t keep changing the tilt, she’ll think you’ve got some massive tic going on! But a little bit of this can be very exciting.

Should you ever French kiss? I’m of the mind that a French (tongue) kiss is an inelegant kiss, and it defuses a lot of passion and removes much intrigue. I think you want to break the “tongue barrier” at some point early (but not too early) into a kiss, just so that she doesn’t think you’re afraid of French kissing or don’t know how, and also so she doesn’t think you’re a stick-in-the mud she has to control herself around if she really likes tongue kissing, but after that you mostly want to leave it alone.

If she wants to do it, fine, but you’ll find what she’ll enjoy even more than you rubbing your tongue back against hers is if, once her tongue darts into your mouth, you kiss her tongue (with your mouth and lips) instead. Not many men (no men?) will ever have done this to her before, and it’s quite exciting and different.

Stop at some point… then go back in. At some point early into kissing her, I strongly recommend you to stop, pull back a bit, and stare directly into her eyes with a small smile on her face. You can compliment her – “You’re a good kisser” – or not, it’s not very important – whatever makes you feel more comfortable. But the important thing is that you do it.
Why’s this important? Basically, it’s good for two reasons:

It lets her feel you’re very in control (which is very attractive to her)

And it prevents her from doing it first (which some women will do to try and seize control over things from you if they want to slow things down or position you more in a boyfriend role or a “some guy who’s trying to get me” role, rather than the lover role or the “some guy she can’t keep her hands off” role that you want established)
Stopping briefly and then resuming is a strong move that ups attraction and unwinds the desire that most stronger women have to seize control of things and direct them the way they want them to go. Essentially, you show a girl that you know how to direct things, and will take them in the most compelling, exciting, fulfilling direction there is.
… and that’s it. If you do all those things, and put together a great experience throughout the course of your interaction with a girl, and follow that up and precede your kiss with a flawless transition, you’ll give her a kiss that will curl her toes.

dating-5-tips-for-guys-and-5-tips-for-girls

dating tips

dating tips

5 Tips for Guys In Dating

1. Grow up and stop looking at porn. It will ruin you, your relationship, and your capacity for intimacy in the future.

2. Don’t play games. Make your intentions known early. There should be no guessing from the girl on whether or not you like her. If you are pursuing her, texting her, flirting with her, etc then you are communicating to her that you want a relationship. If you are doing those things and don’t want a relationship, refer back to number 1.

3. Include her friends. Don’t pull her away from her life, but instead get involved in her life.

4. Simply listening goes a lot farther than offering a solution.

5. Treat her as someone’s future wife. She isn’t yours, she’s God’s.

 

5 Tips for Girls in Dating

1. Be secure enough in how much God loves you or you will become a slave to the guy’s decisions, emotions, and actions. If you put your identity in your boyfriend, in hopes that he will satisfy you, save you, and fulfill you, then when you break up it will feel like you are losing your god not your boyfriend.

2. Find out the guy’s gifts, talents, and passions and pursue them with him. Guys like shared time more than shared conversation sometimes. Just doing an activity he loves together means the world. (Disclaimer: this does not mean you have to play COD with him all the time. In fact if he plays it too much, take a sledgehammer to the Xbox while he’s sleeping :) )

3. Break up with him if he doesn’t follow number 1 above. Seriously. It never ends well. A guy is always on his best behavior in dating so if you see red flags in dating, they only get worse in marriage. It’s better to be not married and lonely, then married, lonely, and miserable.

4. Pray for him, let him lead, and encourage him through texts, notes, gifts, etc. (Pinterest FTW).

5. Have a few older godlier men in your dating life (your pastor, father, etc). If you two date in isolation it won’t go well. Guys listen to guys, so get guys in your life that can speak into his life and keep him accountable.

3 Ways To Ruin A Date

3 Ways To Sabotage A Date

Many women seem to think that just because nothing obvious was bad about a date, that a man should be interested and attracted to her and want to go out again… or else something was wrong with him.

Maybe they think that a few more “okay” dates would cause him to open his eyes and heart and see the light. This is the kind of thinking that gets women into a lot of trouble and leaves them wondering why they’re single.

Here’s what I mean. See if you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios:

Problem 1: Playing It Safe

Have you ever been so intent on getting a man to like you that you tried to act cool and watched every word you said? This includes following his lead all the time, not saying anything about how you think or feel that you think will upset him, and making sure that you never say anything that could be too controversial or confrontational.

Playing it safe like this doesn’t do anything to spark a man’s interest or attention. It makes him lose interest and therefore he won’t feel inspired to ask you out again.

Problem 2: Acting “Formal”

This is death when it comes to interest and attraction. A man either feels like he’s on a job interview and doesn’t become emotionally engaged with you… or he’s plain bored with you and will have a hard time finding anything personally interesting about you.

A man doesn’t fall for a “good” woman, and he doesn’t want to be with her because she’s polite and formal. A man falls for a woman who makes him FEEL good and who is exciting and fun to be around – even if she is a little “bad.”

Problem 3: Being Boring

You are being boring when you talk about boring things. At the top of the list are the things like jobs, family, weather, etc.

3 Ways To Sabotage A Date

These things don’t really help two people get to know one another. Sure, they’re nice… but they don’t “cost” much to reveal, as we’d tell any stranger about these things if they asked in a nice way.

More importantly, they don’t create any kind of emotional experience or connection when you talk about them.

In fact, they put a man back into the space of the mundane aspects of his everyday life… and he’ll bring those “mundane” feelings to the table with him when you talk about all these things.

And guess what happens then?

He associates these boring mundane everyday feelings with you. And voila… you are another boring date with nothing special or interesting going on.

If you want to know what to say and do on a date to really trigger an intense level of attraction with a man when you meet him, then you need to check out my eBook Catch Him And Keep Him.

I’ve written all about the personality traits and actions that makes a woman stand out in a man’s mind and what will inspire him to ask her for a date… again and again.

5 things that are indicators of your partner cheating on you

Cheater

That Cheating Partner

1. she is withdrawn and cold
2. she avoids saying ‘i love you’ or looking into your eyes
3. she is too busy to meet with you
4. she doesnt pick up her calls when the phone rings and she’s around you
5. she doesnt want to make love with you like she used to